Back to normal....

Life is pretty much back to normal.  I like it that way.  I'm still a little bruised and pretty numb but I'm back to doing all the stuff I always do everyday.

It's almost been 2 full weeks since I had the surgery.  On Monday I had my follow up appointment with the doctor.  He asked me what my feelings were in regards to my decision to remove both breast.  I told him that I don't regret it at all.  And I don't.  In fact I'm lucky that the plastic surgeon I went to see wouldn't do a reduction at the same time as my mastectomy.  Because I didn't want to have 2 surgeries I opted to have both removed.  Having them removed made me realize that I would have NEVER been happy with removing just one.  While I might be flat chested right now, I'm even.  I don't have one breast and nothing on the other side.  I don't have to wear a bra or stuff only one side.  I can throw on a t-shirt and go.  For anyone out there considering having both breast removed, I can't recommend it enough.  And for those, like me, that aren't going to have reconstructive surgery this is by far the BEST way to go.  

Living in Southern California where it's beautiful for most months of the year, I'm a little curious about what it will be like when I put on a bathing suit again.  But for now, with winter fast approaching I'll enjoy the cool weather and the sweatshirts that go along!

Saying goodbye...

Last night was hard.  Really hard.  The reality of what tomorrow was going to bring FINALLY sunk in.  Of course I would wait til the very last minute to deal with something.  I always said I'm just one day away from figuring out how to postpone tomorrow until tomorrow.

It was actually a really nice night.  I went out on the trampoline with the kids and bounced with them knowing that it would be a quite a while before I could do that again.  Then Cliff got in and really gave them some good bouncing.  Sitting there, watching my beautiful family, I realized just how scared I was of having surgery tomorrow.  The floodgates opened and I was a sobbing mess.

While my decision didn't change at all I mourned over the loss of what was permanently being taken away from me.  I've never been that attached to my breasts.  I developed VERY early and they consistently cause me pain and ridicule as a child.  But as I've gotten older I've become much more accepting of my body and the fact that my breasts shrunk from a size 36D to a 34B helped a lot too.  Would I have ever made the decision to chop them off - NO!  I cried knowing that I would never again feel them again or have my husband touch them.  A part of my body, one that feed my little baby boy would be taken from me tomorrow.  Later that night in bed I sat there watching my children and wondered what they would think of mommy.  What would Keegan think when she got older and she had breasts and mommy didn't?  What would they think of me?

Luckily all the crying made me exhausted and I was able to fall asleep pretty quickly.  I awoke this morning at 4am to Keegan's sweet little face.  She wanted to crawl into bed and snuggle with me.  I laid there with her and held her at tight as I could.  My baby girl.  From the moment I had her she's clung to me with abnormal strength.  I remember the first night in the hospital with her and the nurse tried to put her into the crib in the room.  Keegan screamed until the nurse couldn't stand it and gave her back to me.  Things haven't changed much in 5 years.  There is no where she's rather be than with me.  I feel the same.

Later, I crawled out of bed and checked on Caleb.  My little angel.  So sweet and good.  So worried about everyone else and making sure they are happy.  I kissed the top of his head and breathed in this scent.  He never ceases to make my heart happy.  I can't help but smile when I see him.  His goodness fills me with joy.  I remember the moment I saw him for the first time and couldn't believe that something so perfect and so beautiful was actually mine.  Each day he continues amazed me...

Kissing them both goodbye this morning was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  This was it.  We were on the way to hospital.  I went into auto pilot.  Answering everyone's questions, getting undress and into the hospital gown and having the IV put in.  Then I broke down again.  I couldn't stop the tears.  The reality of losing a part of me was slapping me in the face.

I said goodbye and gave Cliff a kiss as they wheeled me to the operating room.  I couldn't stop crying.  I heard one of the OR nurses behind me say that they should give me something right away to calm me down.  Apparently they took that advise because a few seconds later I could feel my whole body relax and I was out cold.

Less than 2 hours later it was done and I was in the recovery room.  I wasn't in much pain.  I didn't look down at all.

I was still pretty out of it when we got home and immediately fell asleep for a couple of hours.  When I woke up most of the drugs were pretty much gone and I felt a lot more alert.  I slowly got up, walked to the mirror and lifted my shirt.  I knew it wasn't going to be pretty and it wasn't.  I had a scar almost the entire way across my chest.  I had drainage tubes coming out of me that looked almost alien.  I cried.  This was not my body, the one I've had for 30 some years.  Cliff came in and told me I was still the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.  Gosh I love that man!

The pain itself hasn't been bad at all.  I've only taken Ibuprofen and hopefully won't have to take any additional drugs.

I'm sure I'll have more days ahead of me that will be filled with tears but for now I'm happy to be alive and celebrate my little guys 6th birthday tomorrow.  It situations like this that help you realize the real important things in life.  Giving up apart of myself is nothing when compared to spending my life with a man who completes me and children who I live and breathe for.