Back to normal....

Life is pretty much back to normal.  I like it that way.  I'm still a little bruised and pretty numb but I'm back to doing all the stuff I always do everyday.

It's almost been 2 full weeks since I had the surgery.  On Monday I had my follow up appointment with the doctor.  He asked me what my feelings were in regards to my decision to remove both breast.  I told him that I don't regret it at all.  And I don't.  In fact I'm lucky that the plastic surgeon I went to see wouldn't do a reduction at the same time as my mastectomy.  Because I didn't want to have 2 surgeries I opted to have both removed.  Having them removed made me realize that I would have NEVER been happy with removing just one.  While I might be flat chested right now, I'm even.  I don't have one breast and nothing on the other side.  I don't have to wear a bra or stuff only one side.  I can throw on a t-shirt and go.  For anyone out there considering having both breast removed, I can't recommend it enough.  And for those, like me, that aren't going to have reconstructive surgery this is by far the BEST way to go.  

Living in Southern California where it's beautiful for most months of the year, I'm a little curious about what it will be like when I put on a bathing suit again.  But for now, with winter fast approaching I'll enjoy the cool weather and the sweatshirts that go along!

Saying goodbye...

Last night was hard.  Really hard.  The reality of what tomorrow was going to bring FINALLY sunk in.  Of course I would wait til the very last minute to deal with something.  I always said I'm just one day away from figuring out how to postpone tomorrow until tomorrow.

It was actually a really nice night.  I went out on the trampoline with the kids and bounced with them knowing that it would be a quite a while before I could do that again.  Then Cliff got in and really gave them some good bouncing.  Sitting there, watching my beautiful family, I realized just how scared I was of having surgery tomorrow.  The floodgates opened and I was a sobbing mess.

While my decision didn't change at all I mourned over the loss of what was permanently being taken away from me.  I've never been that attached to my breasts.  I developed VERY early and they consistently cause me pain and ridicule as a child.  But as I've gotten older I've become much more accepting of my body and the fact that my breasts shrunk from a size 36D to a 34B helped a lot too.  Would I have ever made the decision to chop them off - NO!  I cried knowing that I would never again feel them again or have my husband touch them.  A part of my body, one that feed my little baby boy would be taken from me tomorrow.  Later that night in bed I sat there watching my children and wondered what they would think of mommy.  What would Keegan think when she got older and she had breasts and mommy didn't?  What would they think of me?

Luckily all the crying made me exhausted and I was able to fall asleep pretty quickly.  I awoke this morning at 4am to Keegan's sweet little face.  She wanted to crawl into bed and snuggle with me.  I laid there with her and held her at tight as I could.  My baby girl.  From the moment I had her she's clung to me with abnormal strength.  I remember the first night in the hospital with her and the nurse tried to put her into the crib in the room.  Keegan screamed until the nurse couldn't stand it and gave her back to me.  Things haven't changed much in 5 years.  There is no where she's rather be than with me.  I feel the same.

Later, I crawled out of bed and checked on Caleb.  My little angel.  So sweet and good.  So worried about everyone else and making sure they are happy.  I kissed the top of his head and breathed in this scent.  He never ceases to make my heart happy.  I can't help but smile when I see him.  His goodness fills me with joy.  I remember the moment I saw him for the first time and couldn't believe that something so perfect and so beautiful was actually mine.  Each day he continues amazed me...

Kissing them both goodbye this morning was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  This was it.  We were on the way to hospital.  I went into auto pilot.  Answering everyone's questions, getting undress and into the hospital gown and having the IV put in.  Then I broke down again.  I couldn't stop the tears.  The reality of losing a part of me was slapping me in the face.

I said goodbye and gave Cliff a kiss as they wheeled me to the operating room.  I couldn't stop crying.  I heard one of the OR nurses behind me say that they should give me something right away to calm me down.  Apparently they took that advise because a few seconds later I could feel my whole body relax and I was out cold.

Less than 2 hours later it was done and I was in the recovery room.  I wasn't in much pain.  I didn't look down at all.

I was still pretty out of it when we got home and immediately fell asleep for a couple of hours.  When I woke up most of the drugs were pretty much gone and I felt a lot more alert.  I slowly got up, walked to the mirror and lifted my shirt.  I knew it wasn't going to be pretty and it wasn't.  I had a scar almost the entire way across my chest.  I had drainage tubes coming out of me that looked almost alien.  I cried.  This was not my body, the one I've had for 30 some years.  Cliff came in and told me I was still the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.  Gosh I love that man!

The pain itself hasn't been bad at all.  I've only taken Ibuprofen and hopefully won't have to take any additional drugs.

I'm sure I'll have more days ahead of me that will be filled with tears but for now I'm happy to be alive and celebrate my little guys 6th birthday tomorrow.  It situations like this that help you realize the real important things in life.  Giving up apart of myself is nothing when compared to spending my life with a man who completes me and children who I live and breathe for.

Think outside the box

I recently got an email from a friend (let's call her Lucy) who had serious concerns about me and my family being vegans.  Here's my rant.


Lucy was concerned that we will be lacking B12, protein, iron, zinc and calcium.  First of all, eating meat and dairy doesn't not mean that all your nutritional needs will be meet.  In fact I'm pretty sure that most of the overweight and obese population are lacking in WAY more areas than most vegetarians and vegans.  Why is it that so many people worry whether or not vegans get enough protein and calcium but no one seems that least bit worried about "carnivores" and if they are getting enough fiber and water soluble vitamins, among other things.  Let's not even talk about the fact that nuts, seeds and legumes provide just as much protein as animal meats or that there are dozens of other sources for calcium that contain MORE calcium per serving with less calories than milk or dairy products.   I also think it's outrageous that people who eat a diet of fruit and vegetables receive criticism yet those who eat french fries as a vegetable source and drink OJ as their only fruit don't have judgement passed on them as long as they eat a steak and drink some milk.


On top of receiving the email on that same day I had an encounter at a 'kitchen gadget' store that practically sent me over the edge.  My kids have been asking me to make some vegan doughnuts for them so this weekend the hubby and I headed out to a local Williams Sonoma to pick up a doughnut pan.  Upon entering the store we were asked by the sales associate if the kids would like to try a sample of the sausage in pasta sauce that they had just made.  Knowing that WS doesn't carry any organic products or clean ones that I know of we kindly said no thanks and explained that we were vegans who eat a strictly plant based diet without added sugars and preservatives.  The sales associate looked at our kids as though they were deprived orphans who had never had a decent meal and said "Oh a little meat won't hurt them".  WTF?  


Is this what we need to teach our kids?  A little meat won't hurt you.  A tiny bit of sugar won't kill you.  A little white lie is ok.  One puff of the cigarette is fine.  


You're right, a little meat won't hurt them.  But it won't make them strong and healthy either.  I'd rather teach my children about the foods that will benefit their bodies and show them that making good food choices are easy and fun.  Instead of popping them down in front of the TV where they are shown over and over again that 'Milk does a body good' and 'Fruity Pebbles is part of a nutritional breakfast', I'll spend time with them and show them how their bodies work, what foods make it strong and healthy and what steps we can take to grow up knowing that we eat to live, not live to eat.


Ok, my rant is over.  BTW, I got the doughnut pan.  My first attempt at doughnuts produced an AWESOME tasting doughnut but the texture wasn't right.  Tomorrow I will try again and I'm crossing my fingers that the adjustments I have in mind with reward me with the perfect vegan doughnut!

The start of the journey...

Today marks 2 weeks in which the whole family has been eating a strictly planet based diet.  It's been a interesting 2 weeks.  Here's what I've learned.

1. Being vegan does NOT mean you eat healthy.  I'm frustrated almost daily by the lack of healthy vegan recipes that are available.  Grocery shopping is not pretty.  Milk in some form or another is in almost all products and those that are 'vegan' are filled with artificial crap.

2.  Be honest with your kids.  Cliff and I sat down with both Caleb and Keegan and explained why it was that we decided to eat only planet based foods now.  While they are only 5 and 6 they still understood when we told them that eating meat from animals as well as milk and eggs isn't good for our bodies and can make us sick when we are older.  For being 2 VERY picky eaters they have both been very open to trying all the new things we are eating and they are the first ones to ask if something is vegan or not before putting it in their mouths.  

3.  Just because you don't eat meat doesn't mean you stop liking the way it tastes.  Cliff, the ultimate meat fan, has been so supportive in this new lifestyle.  I know each night when we sit down for dinner that he'd rather there be a steak in front of him instead of a quinoa loaf.  That's not to say he isn't liking the meals, just that he'd rather it still be meat.  Although we've both taken the time to educate ourselves as much as possible about the effects of animal protein on our bodies and while we both like the taste of meat, neither of us will ever put a bite of it in our mouths again.

4.  The beginning of a journey is usually the hardest and this is no exception.  Between the lack of healthy vegan recipes and the limits imposed by my family of picky eaters I have yet to stock pile a bunch of go to recipes.  I also haven't found my stride.  Each night it still takes me a good 30 minutes to prepare dinner.  When we were eating clean I could get dinner on the table in 15 minutes and some night, when I had no time, I could throw together a grilled cheese and be done.  Not anymore.  My goal for the next 2 weeks is to find some easy, quick and tasty meals that I can throw together in 15 minutes or less.

5.  I LOVE BEING VEGAN!  I've never had issues with my skin but now it's practically glowing.  I wake up with more energy.  I'm not constantly hungry throughout the day and I feel lighter after eating.  The changes in my husband have been just as great.  He's lost a bunch of weight, he's in a better mood, has more energy and stressful situations seem not to bother him anymore.  

While the last 2 weeks have been hard and a lot of work - I wouldn't change it for the world.  I know as time goes on that it will get easier.  I'll discover my recipes and things will start to get easier and quicker. Now I'm off to have a great breakfast, have fun with my kids and celebrate 7 wonderful years being married to my soulmate.  

Apples and Grapes

Here in Southern California we don't really get fall.  Yes, the temperatures get a bit cooler - like 4 or 5 degrees but the it still stays in the 70's and there are no changing leaves, no fall smells in the air, no crunch under your feet.

Then yesterday for the first time they had honeycrisp apples AND concord grapes at the store.  Oh happy day!!!!

I may have brought their entire stock.  I also may have eaten nothing but grapes and apples yesterday.  You think I'm joking.  I'm not.

Every bite took me back to the Midwest where crisp air filled my lungs, leaves crunched under my feet and the smell (LOVE that smell) of fall filled my senses.

I'll spare you the details but let's just say a diet of just grapes and apples is not good for the digestive track. :(

Wake up in the morning feel like P. Diddy....

First off, I've always wondered how one wakes up feeling like P. Diddy....  Just something to reflect on.

I've NEVER EVER EVER been a morning person.  I hate mornings.  Yes, HATE them.  All my life I've always been one to sleep in.  I can easily sleep til noon - EASILY.  I like staying up at night.  I like running at night when the world is dark and quiet and you can hear yourself think and hear your feet hitting the pavement.  Nighttime has always been calming for me.

One of the upsides of homeschooling our kids is that they aren't required to wake up early which means that both the kids and I can sleep into 8am (or later) each day.  Which is good because I tend to not go to bed until around midnight.  In fact 2 or 3 nights a week I have insomnia and can hardly get to sleep at all.

It's been about 3 weeks since I've been eating a strict plant-based diet.  About a week into it I swear I thought I was pregnant.  With both my kids the only sign I had to being pregnant was that I was insanely tired.  I could literally (and I did) fall asleep standing up making dinner.  So 2 weeks ago when I feel asleep sitting up in bed 2 nights in a row (it's was only 9:30pm) my husband asked if I was alright.  All of a sudden it was impossible for me to stay awake past 10pm.  I would try to stay up and work on blog stuff and my eyes wouldn't even focus.  I would try to watch tv and I would miss everything that was going on cause I would have to focus on keeping my eyes open.

In the past, no matter how much sleep I got I still always woke up tired.  This isn't the case anymore.  It's like my body knows that it needs to sleep at 10pm and it needs to wake up at 7am.  And not just wake up - I feel like I could literally bounce out of bed and run a marathon.  For a non morning person this is as weird as waking up and finding yourself on Mars.  I've never had so much energy in my life!  I now have an hour before the kids wake up and end up getting a bunch of stuff done that I would have otherwise tried to rush through later on in the day.  While I don't think I will ever embrace mornings the way I do nighttime, I am loving the energy I now have and the way I feel when I wake up each day.

I guess I better get used to living on Mars....

Why do we eat?

Why do we eat?  Simple enough question.  And the answer should be simple too.  We eat to provide our body with nutrients to grow strong and healthy.

This was not why I was eating.  Even though I was eating a clean diet - I wasn't eating for the right reasons. During the day I would often find myself picking up things here and there to eat.  A bag of grapes, a handful of nuts - minor stuff.  Except I wasn't eating it because I was hungry I was eating because I was bored.  Not teenager bored.  Not "I don't have anything to do" bored.  More of a "I don't want to be doing what I'm doing" bored.  And even more of a "I don't want to do what needs to be done" bored - think laundry, cleaning the house, etc. Eating made me feel better.  It gave me a break from whatever it was I was doing that I didn't really want to be doing and I felt better afterwards.

I wasn't overweight when I started eating clean.  In fact I was a very healthy 130 pounds.  But over the last few years slowly my weight has crept up.  I put on 20 extra pounds!  For someone that leads a clean eating lifestyle I certainly wasn't being the role model I should have been.

When I woke up on the morning of my doctor's appointment over 2 weeks ago I knew for the most part what I would hear.  "You need a mastectomy in order to take care of this tumor."  I wasn't shocked.  I was prepared and funny enough I am totally ok and calm about the whole thing.  But from the moment I actually heard the words spoken out loud, something inside my head clicked.  From that moment on I haven't put a single piece of meat or dairy in my mouth.  I've eaten a strictly plant based diet.  I also faced my eating habits head on.

Every time I walked into my kitchen I asked myself - "Am I hungry?  Is my stomach growling?"  Being honest with myself was harder than I thought.  When you eat out of habit you train yourself to actually THINK you feel hungry.  Yet when I really stopped and turned off my MIND and felt with my body whether I was hungry or not I ALWAYS had a different answer than my mind was telling me.  No, I was not hungry.  My stomach was not growling.  I turned around and left the kitchen.  For 2 weeks I've been during this.  The first week I constantly found myself wandering into the kitchen.  Slowly I began to wander in less and now the only time I'm in the kitchen is when I'm cooking or preparing a meal.

Now I listen to my body to know when I need to eat.  While I fully believe in the principles of clean eating (eating 5-6 meals a day), I've found for me that eating 3, sometimes 4 times a day is where I need to be.  I eat when I'm hungry and ONLY when I'm hungry.  I used to feel hungry all. the. time. Now I get hungry in the morning when I wake up, right before lunch, sometimes in the afternoon and right before dinner.  And it's short bursts of hunger.  Not that prolonged, when am I going to eat again feeling.  I've lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks.  I feel amazing.  I have a ton of energy and most importantly I am listening to my body.

4 hours too long...

Today was the kid's first full day of 'workshop'.  We homeschool 5 days a week and on Wednesdays, for 4 hours, the kids have an enrichment workshop with other homeschoolers.  At 10am I dropped the kids off.  I watched every minute click by on the clock until finally at 2pm the waiting was over.  That was the longest anyone other than my Mom had watched the kids.  I literally felt sick the entire time.  I have a whole new respect for mom's that have to go back to work after having kids.  I'm not looking forward to next Wednesday.

Dinner on the other hand was a big success tonight!  I made Porcupine Bites.  What are porcupine bites?  Well, when we started eating clean I didn't want to 'give up' our favorite meals so instead I found ways to make them 'clean'.  On of my favorite meals is meatballs.  I LOVE meatballs.  Considering the word MEAT is actually in the title they don't really fit a vegan lifestyle anymore.  So I did some thinking last night when I couldn't sleep (yes, I was worried about sending my kids away for 4 hours.  I know I need to get over it.  It will happen.  SLOWLY).  I used to love making porcupine meatballs.  For some reason adding rice into meatballs just made them so fun!  When you mash up lentils they make a great binder and work well as a substitute for meat.  I added in rice, some sauteed carrots and onions and a few other ingredients.  Rolled them into a ball.  Baked them in the oven and drooled until they were done.  They smelled so good.  Even Cliff came downstairs and asked what smelled so yummy.

They are definitely going on the repeat list.  Plus it makes 48 bites so I have a bunch leftover that will be used for lunches this week.  I love multipurpose meals!

Tomorrow I'm making Pierogis.  Wish me luck!

Why didn't I do this sooner!

Why didn't I go vegan sooner?! I asked myself that same question shortly after I started eating clean.  But really I know the answer.  I have this stereotype in my head of vegans.  I'll spare you the details but it's not flattering.  And as much as I get the 'look' when I tell people my family eats 'clean', I still wasn't prepared for the look I would get when I told people I was vegan.  And not just a vegan!  A clean eating vegan.  Because as I found out, being vegan doesn't mean you are healthy.  Have you ever looked at the ingredients in the fake vegan meat that is out there.  You might as well just eat regular meat!  Although I know that not everyone that becomes a vegan does so because they want to be healthy.  A large majority do so for ethical reasons and don't care if they eat artificial sugar as long as it doesn't harm animals in the making of it.

Tonight was our first fail night.  I made whole wheat organic pasta and topped it with a 'cream sauce'.  The cream sauce consisted of avocado, garlic, olive oil, salt and lemon juice.  I didn't hate it and could have eaten it but honestly the salad I made was better so I went with that.  Caleb did eat it all.  But I think that was mostly because he wanted dessert.  Keegan had one bite and wouldn't touch it.  Cliff had a small amount and then made peanut butter toast.  Oh well.  As Cliff and I like to say - They can't all be winners.

Tomorrow is the kids first full day of workshop and I'm literally without ideas as to what to pack in their lunch.  I can't imagine how hard this would be if we didn't homeschool.  At least their workshop classes are only 1 day a week.

Which reminds me, I better get off to bed since I have to get up early to pack a lunch for which I have no idea what to put in it!